Chapter 33

Flotsam
Chapter 33: Folly

“Welcome to Folly, what can this one do for you?”

“Folly, eh?” Well if the shoe fits. 

The Blue bartender nods and frowns. They are careworn and dressed in drab canvas clothing, with only a small cravat made in a bright traditional pattern. “This one is called Fool.”

“Why Fool?”

“Because we are all fools who come to this place.”

I shake my head but can’t disagree. Folly is a tiny rust stain of a hamlet, just a few modest buildings clinging to a boulder surrounded by the endless scrap thicket of the Junk desert. As I cruised into the city I got the full tour: a blasted out garage, a few rickety electric windmills, a condenser tower, and a small suffering hydroponics farm, and this here rickety hostel and saloon, The Folly. The only signs of exterior life were a suffering android tilling the suffering farm, a silent old woman wearing a scowl and a tent sized shawl, and an actual fucking tumbleweed made of wires. I made for the saloon hoping it would be a bit more lively, which it is, for a fairly sad value of lively. 

“Consider me a fool then,” I swing myself up onto a bar stool and perch awkwardly; arms suck, but a bar was made for leaning on. I glance around the saloon taking in the rest of the motley clientele. Besides Fool behind the bar, there are four leathery humans playing something like dominoes and giving off strong Scavenger vibes, a pair of bored sex workers killing time, and some sort of cloaked creature hunched over a drink. One of the sex workers, who is beautifully coiffed and male bodied despite their femme lingerie glares at me and mouths “off the clock”, but their unambiguously female companion smirks and lets her bare tits fall out of her thin robe. Make me an offer her eyes say. I quickly look somewhere else before either of us gets ideas. I see movement and the hunched creature glances away from me. I don’t think I recognize the species, but their body is almost completely obscured by a ragged hooded cloak. The hands clutching their cup are bright white, scaly, and taloned like a hawk. Fool studies me patiently, and I say, “Maybe you can help me out, one fool to another.”

Membranes swish across huge black eyes. I can see my reflection: dusty hair, dirty goggles on my forehead, filter mask kept on (to stop me picking up an infection from this bar), and a filthy poncho. “What do you need help with?”

“How much for a shower?” Oh God, or a bath.

“It is free if you brought your own water.”

Dang. “What is on offer then?”

“This one has cots to rent, liquid libations, and the contact information for a dubious local drug dealer.”

“What if I was more interested in making a trip into the Quarantine Zone than getting fucked up and sleeping it off.”

“Then you are a bigger fool than you look.” The Blue sighs, “But this one can sell you provisions, the garage can service your vehicle, and you can hire the local courier to take news of your demise to Faraway Haven.”

“Cheerful one aren’t you?”

“Do you wish to have a beverage or not?”

“Fine. Do you have Rocket?” That might be strong enough to kill whatever’s growing in it. Fool grunts and limps down the bar.

“DidIhearthatyouwishtoentertheQuarantineZone?”

“Ah!” I turn and see the creature from the bar has somehow appeared next to me. Standing it is huge, seven feet tall and lean, with a long face like a bone white stallion that ends in a sharp chipped beak. It regards me with blazing red eyes and the skin around it’s wide equine nostrils is enflamed with angry red veins. “What did you say?”

The white creature makes a noise like an angry heron. “Are. You. Going. To. The. Zone.”

Fuck. “I was going to yes?” Fuck. “Who wants to know?”

“IamCaptainLighteningFlashBeforeTheThunderUponThePlains.” An electric whine comes from within the creature’s clothing. A taloned hand appears and pulls back a robe fold to reveal a serious looking blaster pistol and a mechanized exoskeleton that’s seen better days. “I. Am. A. Bounty. Hunter. My. Prey. Is. In. The. Zone.”

“Oh. Is it dangerous there?”

The tall white alien glares at me like I’m an idiot. 

“Right.”

A servo whines and almost too fast to see a mechanical cylinder is slapped on the bar. “You. Will. Inform. Me. If. You. Spot. Them.”

“And who are you looking for?”

“The. Human. Earthling. Called. Halley.”

Fucking fuck! “Okay.” Gulp! But be cool. “I’ll do my best.”

“Acceptable.”

The creature awkwardly shuffles back to their drink, moving with erratic bursts of sudden speed. Fucking good thing I kept my mask on. Fool puts my drink on the bar and leans in close. “Avoid the Tall White Captain. Terrible fortune clings to that nonbreeding-female-pronoun like a miasma.”

“Who the fuck are they?” I ask very quietly, sparing a glance at the hunched Captin to see if they’re watching us.

“The Captain was once the legendary commander of a Tall White Marauder,” Fool murmurs. “Some say that nonbreeding-female-pronoun had a reputation for completing missions no matter the difficulty or… legality of the objectives.”

“Right.”

The Blue bartender leans in even closer, “Some say The Captain and their crew were sent to forbidden Earth to abduct some pathetic human Earthling woman.”

Oh fuck. There is no way! This has to be a coincidence.

“Supposedly the mission had been successful, The Captain had outwitted the Guardians and collected their prize and escaped. However… The Captain was met with random misfortune, and the Marauder was destroyed while travelling within the Nexus.”

“And the Captain crashed here?” Fuck me.

“Just like all the flotsam from that accursed wormhole network.”

“Jesus…”

“To regain their honour and avenge their crew the Captain must recapture their Prey.”

Fucking hell! “Who told you all this?”

Fool nods very slightly in the direction of the hunched Tall White. “The Captain has been known to imbibe a libation. Or fifteen.”

“I see…” Do not freak out. Freaking out is not helpful.

The bartender rests their hand on my shoulder and says in the barest of whispers, “You have a recognizable face. Earthling.”

“Fuck.”

“I think it would be prudent for you to finish your beverage and leave.”

I push my drink away with my mind, “I think maybe it’d be better if I skip it and go now.”

“Then you are perhaps less of a fool than this one had believed.”

I stand up and try to walk calmly towards the exit. Nice and slow…nothing to see here…

“Going. Somewhere.”

The sound of servos right behind me. I stop and square my shoulders, I can sense The Captain looming and the two blasters on their hips. I wonder if I can throw the guns away with my telekinesis, or maybe even crush them with my mind. I shiver, that seems unnecessarily stupid to try. Save the superheroics for Plan B. Instead I turn slowly to face The Captain. They look intimidating as fuck, a towering brilliant white avian-horse-humanoid strapped into a mechanized suit. With very large guns. Furious red eyes glower at me. “Is there a…”

“Flash! Have you finally managed to capture someone?” Sings a too-familiar voice, but deeper somehow. Resonant.

I whirl and see that a giant Halley has entered the saloon. She’s almost nine feet tall and huge like a bodybuilder who might also be a Greek demigod. She’s wearing a passable black cowboy hat and a long duster coat that brushes the floor. One side of her giant face is lined with scars and she’s wearing an eyepatch over her left eye. She makes a big crooked grin, “And a Halley, no less.”

The Captain makes a furious sqwuak: “Fortune!”

“That’s Ms. Fortune to you.”

Big Halley steps further into the saloon, her boots thudding heavily on the floor. The Captain hisses and circles to the left, hands resting on their blasters, moving to keep me between the them. Chairs scrape the floor and the Scavengers crawl underneath their table. The sex workers become less bored and turn to watch. Fuck I wish I wasn’t right in the middle of this. I cast a desperate look at Fool. The bartender sighs and raises their hands, “Captain, Ms. Fortune, it is very well that you have located one another, but I will ask that you continue you’re discussion outside of my establishment.”

“Aw, Fool aren’t you happy to see me?” Big Halley says with a mock pout.

“Not particularly.”

The Captain is breathing deeply and their servo suit is starting to whine alarmingly. I can see their talon fingers twitching, nearly touching their weapons. Big Halley grins fiercely and touches her eyepatch. “Flash, please, do we have to do this again? You might have been the fastest shot in the Aviary, but we’re still down here in this awful terrestrial gravity.” Her finger slips under the edge of the patch. “So do you feel lucky?”

“YouAreAnAbomination!”

I try to move out from between the Captain and Big Halley but they both circle to keep me trapped. Fuck! 

“Is that any way to talk to your…”

The Captain screams like an eagle and grabs their guns…

… and Halley lifts her eye patch revealing:

M

A

D

N

E

S

S

A kaleidoscope of burning colour-without-colour,

seethes like a fever,

 whirling furious maelstrom,

grim joyful disarray,

unmovable gravity,

melting,

…

..

.

My mind goes slack and the room grows still.

The Captain’s hands relax and their guns fall to the floor.

“…to talk to your BEST FRIEND?”

I can’t believe that awful alien tried to hurt my best friend, Big Halley!

“We are ALL FRIENDS HERE,” Halley says, the mesmerizing hole in her face boiling impossibly.

But it’s okay, we are all friends. I just want her to like me so much!

“OhAngelsIamsosorry!!!” The Captain squeals in distress.

“Flash, you are such a naughty bitch, go fetch me a bottle!”

“YesyesyesMistressFortune!”

“On the house my good Fool?”

“Yes, this one couldn’t imagine charging you! What is the purpose of friends?”

Big Halley smiles and steps closer to me. She is so fantastically huge! My head barely reaches her chest and she has to crouch to inspect me. Her blazing left eye is a star caught within flesh. I stand on my tiptoes and preen, push out my tits and pull back my shoulders. “And we do indeed have ourselves a Halley.”

I blush, feeling suddenly shy, “I’m Halley-24.”

“Howdy. Where are your arms?”

“Oh,” I frown and feel anxious, “I think arms are stupid and had them removed.”

Big Halley cracks a wide grin, “Fantastic! I’m the only Halley who needs arms around here anyway.”

I smile, oh good, I was worried she was going to be unhappy with my body choices. “You don’t think I’m strange?”

Halley chuckles, a deep rumble I can feel in my chest. “It runs in the family.” She stands up tall and unbuttons her coat to reveal two enormous breasts, big even for her gigantic body, except instead of nipples each tit has a mouth with plump smiling lips “Meet the gang.”

“Howdy,” her left breast says, a golden tooth flashing. “So you’re really a Halley?”

 

“Tho cool! Will we be adding her to the team!?” Her right breast says, lisping around a big tongue piercing.

“Maybe,” Big Halley says, pulling her duster open to show off a leather corset and her enormous cock. It’s thick and girthy and nearly as big as my leg below the knee. And there! On her crotch is an eyeball! A familiar violet eyeball! “Say hello to your sister.”

“My sister?” 

“My cock,” Big Halley says proudly, “is Halley-19.”

(A distant part of me screams: Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!) “Amazing!”

“Right!” Big Halley tilts her head and frowns at me, her bare left eye still erupting with madness. “What’s with the mask? I think you should REMOVE IT.”

“Oh! Um… okay.” I grab my dust mask with my mind and yank it off to expose my face pussy.

“Jesus Christ! Incredible!” Big Halley says with hearty laugh, “You’re too perfect! Exactly what I’ve been looking for! You definitely need to join the gang.”

“Awethome!” “Yee-haw!” Sing her tits. The eyeball on her crotch crinkles in a smile. 

“Cool!” I say grinning (while inside something goes noooooooo).

Big Halley accepts two bottles of Rocket from The Captain and tucks them into the huge pockets of her coat. She tips her cowboy hat at Fool, “Thanks for the drink, much obliged.” And then she smirks at The Captain, “Flash, you can go FUCK YOURSELF.”

“Yesofcoursemistress!” The Captain gushes before diving to the floor and curling into a ball so that they can do something obscene with their tongue and a weird opening between their legs.

Big Halley and her tits heartily guffaw and I smile along with them (even if I’m a little horrified). Big Halley shakes her head, “Alright Pussy-Halley COME ALONG, it’s time for us to hit the ol’ rusty trail. I reckon it’s time to add you to the collection.”

“Amazing! I can’t wait!”

(Help!)

***

Chapter 34